An Open Letter to Men
Who Co-opt and Women Who Let Them
Co-opt: To take or assume for one's own use. ~The Free Dictionary
At the end of October, I wrote a column, An Open Letter to a Woman Who Fawns, and perhaps this post reveals the flip side of the same coin (https://bit.ly/3W9zzsg).
Relationships (romantic and otherwise) that begin because one or both of the parties need something (companionship, attention, escape from boredom, financial security, status) rarely end well even if the individuals stay enmeshed for years. If you're happily married or in a long-term committed relationship today, my hat is off to you. But all too often men and women who find themselves suddenly single are all too eager to latch on like newborn babes to the first person who meets a basic set of criteria. In this column, I challenge men to resist the urge to latch on because they're lonely, bored, and/or insecure emotionally or financially.
I'll assume that the men who co-opt women are lovely, respectable, successful men (God knows there are plenty who are not). On the outside, there is nothing untoward or unusual about these men. They come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. The issue is with what lies within---a pervasive fear of being alone. These are men who believe that in order to be complete, in order to find meaning, they must have a woman by their side, in their lives, in their beds. It's high time we swept a giant searchlight over this self-limiting belief.
Ladies, as special as I know you are, men who co-opt will be satisfied with a warm body and a modicum of encouragement. Resist the temptation to become enmeshed, engulfed, and enveloped in someone else's life. Before you open that door (metaphorically and physically), ask yourself which aspects of your life are you willing to shrink, relinquish, short-shrift? Will it be your relationship with yourself, your adult children, grandchildren, fitness, passion, purpose, creative life, God? Don't be too quick to relinquish your hard-won independence, your autonomy. I shudder at how close I've come to being co-opted by men seeking a nurse and/or a purse, by one on kidney dialysis, by one with a sexually transmittable disease, and finally by one closeted gay man looking for cover.
Men, it's not our responsibility to do your heavy lifting. It's not our job to pick up the broken pieces of your heart and put them back together again regardless of the glue you lay at our feet---flowers, candlelit dinners, poetry, jewelry, texting. Take time to work on yourselves. Immerse yourselves in solo travel, take a class, join a gym. Learn to be at home in your own skin, to find pleasure in your own company. Discover your true essence. Stop bringing us your unfinished selves expecting us to set the table, provide the nourishment and then clean up afterward. We have our own soul work to do. And make no mistake, it is work, and that's why some women will let you co-opt their lives, women who need little to no coaxing, women who need no other sign than your eyes gazing deeply into theirs, women who will gladly take up the challenge of fixing, patching, raising you up---in order to bypass their own deep work and introspection.
As the philosopher, Blaise Pascal once stated: "All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone." Step into the quiet, and recall writer Joseph Campbell’s wise words, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
Don't take my word for it, Check out the following articles:
Just listened to the article again. Very well said, Carol. “just the facts ma’am”. I fear that the men will think “not me.” My hope is the women will see/hear something that helps them not “settle for less”.
My single life works great for me. No “missionary work” as my dear friend JoAnn used to say. No health consequences, either physical or emotional. No “laying down with dogs”.
Thanks for reinforcing that.
Thank you for thinking of us.. ☺️. I kind of think it behavioral except that a few weeks ago he did have a UTI .. and he is also trying to eat grass blades outside so I’m not sure.. but the bed thing .. we have a vet appt at 4.. so will see.